closure (pegasus)

as before
I look for something
freedom
or something clean

a signal
or a feeling
that I don't have to worry
that everything is new
that everything I long
to leave behind
is happily squared away

but nothing worth having
is tidy
and in truth
that is my nature
I live in dirt
I was born in the swamp
my words are noise
my lips are filthy
my heart beats with extraordinary mud

if what I need
is a knowing
of where I am
what I feel
my place and my intention
then I have closure

but now that I have it
can I say it's what I want
was I careless what I wished for?

I know that I am loved
I am full to tears
with its magic
and the ground
beneath my feet is clear
and I have strength
I haven't had
in memory

but I also know
the road ahead
is an unmarked path
through bracken
and clay
and foetid jungle
the sickly sweet bouquet
of complex pleasures
hangs about
and I would have it
no other way

it is incomprehensible
and utterly true
broken and holy
the way forward
free and unchained
I know nothing
I am happy
I walk
I step
I see